Managing attachment insecurity

January 29th, 2025

Torben Bergland, MD

How can we gain more security and confidence as we relate to others? How can we be brave, rather than being tossed around by emotional distress and maladaptive responses? The good news is that our past need not determine our future. What has been in the past is not inevitably what will be in the future. Things can get better. We are products of our histories, and as long as we live, our histories are still being written. New lines, paragraphs, and chapters are constantly written in the book of life. What makes attachment more secure is positive experiences with attachment figures who are available, sensitive, and responsive. Whether we are secure or insecure, we still need such positive experiences repeatedly and consistently. We need to surround ourselves with attachment figures who give comfort and safety, even though it will be given imperfectly. It does not have to be given perfectly. What it takes is that it is given often and consistently enough to make the relationship a safe place to go and to be.

As we grow beyond the small world of our parents or parental figures, we enter into a world of many new potential attachment figures; spouses, siblings, family members, friends, colleagues, and others. Beyond that, God for many becomes an important attachment figure as they go through a life of uncertainties. If one believes and trusts in God as someone who is loving and caring, who is available, sensitive, and responsive, then he can be a true attachment figure.

A song in the Book of Psalms in the Bible is by the Sons of Korah. It reflects a relationship where God is a source of help, strength, and safety:

God is our safe place and our strength. He is always our help when we are in trouble. So we will not be afraid, even if the earth is shaken and the mountains fall into the center of the sea, and even if its waters go wild with storm and the mountains shake with its action (Psalm 46:1-3 NLV).

One of the most dreaded experiences of life is to be abandoned. If God truly is the way he is presented in the Bible, then he will always be with us whatever we go through. He will never abandon or leave us. He will be someone we always can come to, whatever our situation or life circumstance is. Then, being in a relationship with him can provide comfort and safety on the journey through life. He will be our father, as he prefers to call himself. We will be his sons and daughters, his children. In the Book of the prophet Isaiah, God himself says:

Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will give you strength, and for sure I will help you. Yes, I will hold you up with My right hand that is right and good (Isaiah 41:10 NLV).

Whether our attachment figures are our parents, others, or God, we never outgrow the need for having others who are lovingly available, sensitive, and responsive. When we have that we can move towards a greater sense of security in our relationships. When we have that, we can take leaps of trust and faith in our relationships and in our lives.

The preeminence of relationships and love in the life of humans is recognized in science, philosophy, art, and religion alike. And, for the religious, God is also included in the universe of relationships and love. When asked by one of the intellectuals of his time, Jesus summarized the essence of life, what is the fundamental message of the Bible, what is the teaching of every true religion, and what should be the conviction of any Christian:

One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’
The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:28-31 NIV).”

There is no better prescription for emotional and relational insecurity than to be loved by someone who is available, sensitive, and responsive. The essence of Christianity is that God loves us like that. The commandment is that we should love each other like that.

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