Attachment in relationships

Article 1:

Our need for relationships

Relationships may be the greatest blessings in life. Relationships may also cause emotional distress. And the closer the relationships are, the higher the stakes. The renowned researcher on couple relationships, Dr. John Gottman, says: “Love relationships are simultaneously the greatest source of comfort and happiness in our lives, but also potentially the greatest source of intense stress and misery” (Gottman 2014).

In this world, there is no other creature that comes close to human beings in terms of influence, power, control, and dominion over its environment. Still, we humans come into the world as one of its most helpless and vulnerable creatures. While many other newborns can manage on their own fairly soon, the human baby is totally dependent on parenting for years to come. Without it, it will die. Whether one believes this is willed by divine design or the result of random evolutionary processes, the reality is that humans need others from conception till death. Caring relationships are essential for physical survival and well-being, but they are also essential for mental survival and well-being. Human beings are fundamentally and essentially relational beings. That is our nature. That is our reality.

But there is another reality that every single human being also faces; there are no perfect relationships. No person is perfect, and therefore, no relationship is perfect. And, our imperfections become evident in our relationships. In the relationships where we are most vulnerable, we are also at the greatest risk of being emotionally upset and suffering hurt. No one will live a life of close relationships without ever sensing some kind of uncertainty or emotional pain. It is inevitable. It is part of being human in an imperfect world.

One of the great existential psychiatrists and psychotherapists of our time, Dr. Irvin Yalom (1931 -), acknowledged the preeminence of relationships in our lives:

We are intrinsically social creatures. Throughout life, our surrounding interpersonal environment — peers, friends, teachers, as well as family — has enormous influence over the kind of individual we become. Our self-image is formulated to a large degree upon the reflected appraisals we perceive in the eyes of the important figures in our life. Furthermore the great majority of individuals seeking therapy have fundamental problems in their relationships; by and large people fall into despair because of their inability to form and maintain enduring and gratifying interpersonal relationships (Yalom 2001).

In my own clinical work as a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, it did not take me long to acknowledge what Yalom wrote. I soon realized that most of my patients in some way or another suffered from lack of love, or dysfunctions in love. They came to me with various kinds of issues: depression, anxiety, mania, trauma, eating disorders, psychosis, self-harm, and suicidality. And as we talked, stories of pain in relationships would usually soon emerge. Deficient and dysfunctional love in relationships will cause emotional pain, uncertainty, and fear — whether it is in the present or the past.

As relational beings, the quality of our relationships profoundly impacts our mental health and well-being. It is therefore important to understand the relationships we live in and to understand how relationships in general work. Attachment theory provides a helpful framework for this.

Article 2:

Attachment theory

John Bowlby (1907 - 1990), a British psychologist, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, contributed one of the most significant models in psychology for understanding the dynamics of close relationships and the human quest for "security, meaning, and self-regulation", known as attachment theory (Mikulincer and Shaver 2017).

In his 1988 book, “A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development”, Bowlby states:

Attachment theory regards the propensity to make intimate emotional bonds to particular individuals as a basic component of human nature, already present in germinal form in the neonate and continuing through adult life into old age. During infancy and childhood bonds are with parents (or parent substitutes) who are looked to for protection, comfort, and support. During healthy adolescence and adult life these bonds persist, but are complemented by new bonds (Bowlby 1988).

Attachment theory as developed by Bowlby, and later elaborated on through extensive research by others, provides a profound understanding of the human need for bonding in close relationships and our dependence on others.

He specifically argued against the idea that dependence on others is immature or pathological at any age, or that grieving a loss is pathological or undesirable. He understood that even fully mature and relatively autonomous adults — especially when they are threatened, in pain, lonely, or demoralized — benefit from seeking and receiving other people’s care. […] When attachment relationships function well, a person learns that distance and autonomy are completely compatible with closeness and reliance on others (Mikulincer and Shaver 2017).

Beyond that, attachment theory also explains and elucidates the dynamics of uncertainty and insecurity in those relationships. Whenever an attachment figure — whether a parent, partner, friend, or someone else who is a go-to for protection, comfort, and support — is not available, sensitive, and responsive, then that may cause significant distress and anxiety. Consciously, or subconsciously, an alarm may go off: "Am I safe? Can others be trusted? Will anyone be there for me when I need them? Can I manage this on my own?"

Article 3:

Secure attachment

People who predominantly have experienced that attachment figures are available, sensitive, and responsive, will typically be more robust and resilient in relationships. They are what we call "securely attached". Their primary strategy when distressed is to seek closeness to an attachment figure, whether a person, God, or something else that gives a sense of safety. Or, they return to their depository of comforting and soothing experiences in their past, draw on them, and are thus comforted in the present. They are typically trusting of others and feel assured that they are not alone in this world. Thus, they are well equipped to manage closeness and distance when either occurs in day-to-day life. It is estimated that at least half of the population, but maybe not much more than that, are in this category (Mikulincer and Shaver 2017).

Mikulincer and Shaver summarize the characteristics of securely attached people:

[…] secure people openly disclose their personal thoughts and feelings to relationship partners (even if they lead to disagreements), expose their vulnerability and need for support even if it leaves them open to disapproval, open their cognitive schemas to new information even though it entails uncertainty and reorganization, explore challenging and changing life circumstances and new experiences, and commit themselves to the personal choices they make in their career and close relationships. They make leaps of trust and faith (Mikulincer and Shaver 2017). 

Article 4:

Insecure attachment

If about half of us are securely attached, that leaves another half that is predominantly insecure in their attachments. These are less resilient when faced with emotional distress. Since they lack assurance of finding comfort in others, they have typically developed one of three strategies for maximizing closeness and minimizing distress: fight, flight, or freeze.

Anxious attachment style
The fight response is a hyperactivation of the attachment system. Since they do not trust that others will provide the closeness they need, they will fight for it. They have what we call an anxious attachment style. They are typically in a state of chronic activation of the attachment system, constantly seeking closeness to attachment figures and hypersensitive to signs of rejection, whether real or perceived.

Avoidant attachment style
The other strategy, the flight response, is a deactivation of the attachment system. Instead of fighting for closeness, those who have an avoidant attachment style walk away from it. Their assumption is that they anyway won't get the comfort they need from others, so there is no point in even trying. Typically, they shut down their sense of need for comfort and their need for others. The deactivated attachment system leaves them with no other option other than to manage on their own, being independent and self-sufficient.

Disorganized attachment style
A third type of insecure attachment is the disorganized attachment style. We typically see it in people who have gone through traumatic and severely confusing attachment experiences. The disorganized aspect of their attachment pattern is that neither fight nor flight has consistently worked for them. Thus, they are left without any preferred strategy for dealing with insecurity and distress. They may soon try fight, then flight, or simply be paralyzed, freeze; not having strategies to deal with the situation. They never found a tool in the toolbox that really worked for them. They may be caught in the trap of longing for comfort meanwhile fearing the ones who potentially could provide it. They may long for closeness, but at the same time fear it. Thus, they may be lost at sea with no engine or rudder to direct them into comfort and security. It is a painful place to be.

Whenever it is adaptive and appropriate, secure individuals may use fight, flight, or freeze strategies when faced with certain situations and individuals.  But they will be flexible, and not stuck on one strategy for all situations. They have multiple tools in their toolbox that work well and they know how to use them. Primarily they will be seeking comfort from others or comforting themselves because they have been comforted in the past, know what it is, and know how to get it. Anxious people will tend to use fight most of the time, while avoidant people will tend to predominantly use flight. And, finally, disorganized people will tend to use fight, flight, or freeze, in a rather chaotic and maladaptive way.

Article 5:

The development of attachment styles

It is important to recognize that people do not consciously choose one attachment style or the other. Rather, these styles and strategies are usually adopted in the first years of life, before the child is able to consciously reflect on them. They choose one or the other because, given the unreliability of their primary caregivers, they adapt to the situation and figure out what works best. They figure out which tool in the toolbox is best suited for the job and then stick to it, not experimenting with or practicing the skills of using a variety of tools. The strategies developed in the child's small world are then brought into the adult's bigger world of new situations and new people. Still, new people, new situations, and new challenges are managed with old strategies. If it was the hammer in the toolbox that worked best in the past, then they know how to use it and will tend to use it again.

Unfortunately, there are two major pitfalls in this. It is said that; "to the one who only has a hammer, everything is a nail". Firstly, the hammer is not the ideal tool for all jobs. Secondly, the new situation may not be a nail. What worked back then, what was the best strategy in the past, may not be the optimal strategy as one engages in new relationships with different people. Unfortunately, those with a predominantly insecure attachment style tend to have a limited repertoire as they deal with new people and new situations; or, tragically, they may seek out the same kind of hurtful and harmful problems and dynamics they used to deal with in the past. If they only have a hammer, they may go looking for a nail. What is familiar, what you have dealt with in the past, however painful, may still somehow give a sense of confidence, of mastery, of certainty. Even though that kind of person and relationship may not be good for you, even though it may hurt and make you suffer, it may still be perceived subconsciously as preferable to what is unknown.

So, are some lucky winners in the lottery of attachment, gaining secure attachment, while others lose and are stuck with insecure attachment? As already said, there are no perfect people and no perfect relationships. In our relationships, we all have experiences somewhere on the spectrum from minor breaches to total collapses in the availability, sensitivity, and responsivity of our attachment figures. Therefore, there is no one who is absolutely secure, who never experiences insecurity or emotional distress in close relationships. We are all somewhere on the spectrum of attachment security with varying degrees of anxiousness and avoidance as we relate to others.

Article 6:

Managing attachment insecurity

How can we gain more security and confidence as we relate to others? How can we be brave, rather than being tossed around by emotional distress and maladaptive responses? The good news is that our past need not determine our future. What has been in the past is not inevitably what will be in the future. Things can get better. We are products of our histories, and as long as we live, our histories are still being written. New lines, paragraphs, and chapters are constantly written in the book of life. What makes attachment more secure is positive experiences with attachment figures who are available, sensitive, and responsive. Whether we are secure or insecure, we still need such positive experiences repeatedly and consistently. We need to surround ourselves with attachment figures who give comfort and safety, even though it will be given imperfectly. It does not have to be given perfectly. What it takes is that it is given often and consistently enough to make the relationship a safe place to go and to be.

As we grow beyond the small world of our parents or parental figures, we enter into a world of many new potential attachment figures; spouses, siblings, family members, friends, colleagues, and others. Beyond that, God for many becomes an important attachment figure as they go through a life of uncertainties. If one believes and trusts in God as someone who is loving and caring, who is available, sensitive, and responsive, then he can be a true attachment figure.

A song in the Book of Psalms in the Bible is by the Sons of Korah. It reflects a relationship where God is a source of help, strength, and safety:

God is our safe place and our strength. He is always our help when we are in trouble. So we will not be afraid, even if the earth is shaken and the mountains fall into the center of the sea, and even if its waters go wild with storm and the mountains shake with its action (Psalm 46:1-3 NLV).

One of the most dreaded experiences of life is to be abandoned. If God truly is the way he is presented in the Bible, then he will always be with us whatever we go through. He will never abandon or leave us. He will be someone we always can come to, whatever our situation or life circumstance is. Then, being in a relationship with him can provide comfort and safety on the journey through life. He will be our father, as he prefers to call himself. We will be his sons and daughters, his children. In the Book of the prophet Isaiah, God himself says:

Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will give you strength, and for sure I will help you. Yes, I will hold you up with My right hand that is right and good (Isaiah 41:10 NLV).

Whether our attachment figures are our parents, others, or God, we never outgrow the need for having others who are lovingly available, sensitive, and responsive. When we have that we can move towards a greater sense of security in our relationships. When we have that, we can take leaps of trust and faith in our relationships and in our lives.

The preeminence of relationships and love in the life of humans is recognized in science, philosophy, art, and religion alike. And, for the religious, God is also included in the universe of relationships and love. When asked by one of the intellectuals of his time, Jesus summarized the essence of life, what is the fundamental message of the Bible, what is the teaching of every true religion, and what should be the conviction of any Christian:

One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’
The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:28-31 NIV).”

There is no better prescription for emotional and relational insecurity than to be loved by someone who is available, sensitive, and responsive. The essence of Christianity is that God loves us like that. The commandment is that we should love each other like that.

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